


We've only got so much time

by HopeSilverheart



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: (once again not raphael or simon), And also needs a hug, Angst, Established Relationship, Families of Choice, Family Feels, Found Family, Future Fic, Hopeful Ending, Immortal Husbands, Immortality Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Raphael Santiago Has Feelings, Raphael and Simon are married, Simon Lewis Needs a Hug, So does everyone else, The Lewis-Santiago family deserves to be loved, The MCD tag isn't for Raphael or Simon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-22
Updated: 2020-05-22
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:20:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24323434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HopeSilverheart/pseuds/HopeSilverheart
Summary: Ever since he had become a vampire, Simon had known he would have to watch the people he loved die.Losing his mother had been hard, but he hadn’t talked to her properly in years. Besides, even mundanes watched their parents die. Watching his sister break down had been difficult and heartbreaking, but not impossible.However, his mother’s death had only been the cruel beginning. He was lucky, in a way, to have fallen in love with another immortal. At least this way he would always have his husband, even when he lost the rest of his made-up family. Raphael had been at his side for the funeral, and Simon had thought he could do it as long as he had someone with him.Then Alec passed away.
Relationships: Clary Fray/Jace Wayland, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Simon Lewis & Everyone, Simon Lewis/Raphael Santiago
Comments: 33
Kudos: 127





	We've only got so much time

**Author's Note:**

> title is from ben platt's 'in case we don't live forever'

Ever since he had become a vampire, Simon had known he would have to watch the people he loved die.

Losing his mother had been hard, but he hadn’t talked to her properly in years. Besides, even mundanes watched their parents die. Watching his sister break down had been difficult and heartbreaking, but not impossible.

However, his mother’s death had only been the cruel beginning. He was lucky, in a way, to have fallen in love with another immortal. At least this way he would always have his husband, even when he lost the rest of his made-up family. Raphael had been at his side for the funeral, and Simon had thought he could do it as long as he had someone with him.

Then Alec passed away. His mother’s funeral had faded to the back of his mind, replaced by decades of memories. His friends had grown older, greyer; they had retired from the field and formed families of their own. Alec was almost 80-years-old when he died, and although that was better than most shadowhunters, it still took Simon – and everyone – by surprise.

He had thought he would be ready to grieve, ready to lose someone, because at least he would have Raphael. The truth wasn’t so pretty.

Alec and Simon had never been close, but Alec and Raphael? Somehow, whilst planning the future, Simon had forgotten to take into consideration his husband’s feelings on the matter. The younger vampire was devastated by his friend’s passing, but Raphael was inconsolable.

For weeks, he refused to eat, refused to sleep, refused to stop moving. The only person who could have made him feel better was in an even worse state. No one had seen Magnus since the funeral, and no one had tried looking for him. Deep down, Simon wondered if they would ever see him again. Alec and Magnus had been soulmates, and Simon wouldn’t have blamed him if he had decided to join Alec in heaven.

“I miss him,” Raphael murmured one day as they lay in bed together. Alec had passed months earlier, but there was no doubt in Simon’s mind that was who he was talking about. “I keep thinking it’ll get easier with time, but it doesn’t. I’m sorry,  _ cariño _ , I never wanted you to suffer through this.”

“It’s alright, love,” Simon whispered back. “I have you. I’ll always have you. That’s all that matters to me.”

It was a lie, and they both knew it. Alec’s death had hit everyone hard, but none harder than Jace. The blond shadowhunter left them five months after his parabatai. He had tried to hold on for Clary, his siblings, and his children, but losing Alec had broken his soul and they had all known it was only a matter of time before he died.

His death was harder. Not because Simon loved him more than he had loved Alec, but because he had to hold Clary together as well as himself. Taking care of Raphael after Alec had been tough but taking care of Clary and her children was much,  _ much _ worse. The kids were old enough to understand and remember their father but they were still so young.

Simon felt his heart break every time he walked into the Herondale household, every time he stared into Clary’s dull eyes, every time he swept their little Celine into his arms and held her tight as she sobbed herself to sleep.

“I don’t know how to live without them,” he admitted one night, closing his eyes so he didn’t have to look at his husband’s knowing gaze. “I keep expecting them to be right there, teasing me and laughing at me and loving me despite it all. Magnus and Clary… You saw them at the funeral, didn’t you? And their children, Raphael, god. How are we supposed to keep on living?”

His husband didn’t say anything for a long while, so long that Simon dared to open his eyes. He regretted it immediately; Raphael hadn’t looked so lost since the week after Alec’s death.

“We remember them,” his husband finally whispered, tears streaming down his face. They had been married for over 50 years, but Simon had never seen him cry before Alec and Jace. “We keep them in our hearts, and we hope it’s enough. We learn to live with holes in our souls and in our days. We take care of their children, their grandchildren, and let ourselves heal.”

“But it never gets easier,” Simon choked out, remembering his husband’s words from all those months ago. “It’s going to hurt just as much in a century as it does now. You know, I’m starting to understand why Magnus closed off his heart for so long. Is their love really worth the pain?”

Even as he spoke, Simon knew it was. He would love his friends over and over again, in a thousand lifetimes, no matter how much he suffered in the end. Knowing that, Simon let himself cry, holding onto Raphael and reminding himself that through it all, he would still have his husband.

Then Clary died and Simon realized the pain he had felt before was laughable.

His best friend, the fiery woman who had wormed her way into his heart when they were barely old enough to speak, gone. He would never hear her voice again, or watch her paint, or read books to her when she was too tired to get one herself or sing songs by her bedside until she fell asleep.

He had always thought Clary and he would leave this Earth together, but now she was gone, and he would stay forever. There were moments when he wondered if dying might not be the best solution, but one look into Raphael’s eyes was enough to stop him from doing anything stupid.

Instead, they took care of their friends’ children. Celine and Jasmine were already adults forming their own families, but Raphael and Simon made sure they were never left alone in the months that followed their mother’s passing. It was painful, staring at the two girls who looked so much like friends, but Simon pushed through it. He called Magnus and his boys, organized family dinners that felt empty and pointless, met his friends’ grandchildren, and never let them know how hurt he was.

“I thought she would always be with me,” he told Raphael a year later, on the anniversary of his best friend’s death. “And I know you said it would never get easier, but I didn’t think it would get harder.”

“I know it feels that way,” his husband answered softly. “They were your first people, Simon, your first lifetime. Losing them like this… I know it feels like losing pieces of your heart, one by one, until there’s nothing left. I can’t promise you happiness in the near future, not with everyone you love gone, but I can promise that I’ll be here for as long as you want me, making sure your heart stays whole. Every time we lose someone, remember we have each other.”

“Magnus…” Simon breathed out, thinking about the warlock with half a heart who only lived for his sons. “I can’t imagine how hard it must be for him.”

“When your life is as long as ours is, losing your soulmate is worse than dying. He doesn’t have anyone to keep him whole anymore.”

Neither of them stated the obvious, the thought that plagued them in their darkest moments. Thinking about losing someone else was too painful, and Simon tried to shove all those maudlin possibilities into the back of his mind.

Two years later, Maia passed away, taking with her another fragment of Simon’s heart. A few months after that, Isabelle left them, and Simon had none left.

Raphael was the only thing keeping him tethered to this Earth. His husband cradled him close when he felt like he was seconds away from losing it, and hummed him to sleep when he couldn’t take it anymore. The only family he had known was gone, leaving behind only Simon, his husband, Magnus, and their loved ones’ children and grandchildren.

It should have been enough, but it wasn’t, not for a very long time. Raphael and he had gotten too attached to their shadowhunters and were paying the consequences. Once again, Simon was tempted to close himself off completely. He thought about hiding away with Raphael, leaving behind the people he was slowly starting to love in the same way he had loved the Lightwoods, but he never had the guts to go through with it.

He couldn’t bear to forget about Jasmine and Celine, about Max and Rafael, about the children they were raising. So he stayed.

For a few years, everything was fine. Raphael and Simon loved each other, watched their new family grow into families of their own, fought for equality within the Shadow World, and celebrated the people they had lost by remembering them, always.

Thirty years later, Magnus disappeared.

Everyone knew what had happened. It had only been a matter of time until the man joined his husband in the afterlife, especially with his eldest son growing older by the minute. No one was surprised, but it didn’t help. It never did.

Raphael was twice as bad as he had been after Alec’s death. The Lightwood-Banes had been his surrogate family for years; Magnus had been his surrogate dad for even longer than that. He stayed with Rafael and his wife for weeks after the funeral, and Simon couldn’t help but wonder if this would be the end.

However, his husband had always been a man of his word.

“I promised you forever, Lewis,” he reminded him the day he came back. “These years have been hard on both of us, but the future will be better. We’ll make it better,  _ cariño _ , together. Magn- Magnus meant so much to me, but you mean even more. You may not have been with me from the start, but you’ll be with me until the end. In a way, that matters more. Just promise me you’ll stay.”

“Always,” Simon answered wetly, wiping away Raphael’s tears with his already-soaked sleeves. “I’ll pick up every piece they leave behind, just as you’ve done for me, and I’ll be your future. It won’t get easier, but we’ve survived once, love. We’ll survive again.”

They did.

Watching a loved one die hurt every single time, but they survived. They grew stronger together even as their family’s second generation passed away. They welcomed Max into their hearts, treating him like the son they had never had. The warlock was determined to live, to remember his fathers, aunts, uncles, and cousins, and the Lewis-Santiago husbands admired that about him.

When he left after ten years of living with them, Simon knew he would be alright. His absence left a hole in their hearts, but his presence had opened doors Simon hadn’t even been aware of.

Neither he nor Raphael could bring themselves to adopt a mortal child, but they saved the unwanted immortal ones instead. They started with Estelle, a vampire who had been kicked out by her parents, but eventually began looking for abandoned warlock babies as well. Max was with them every step of the way, willing to do everything in his power to save those who were as unloved as he had once been.

They called their first son Magnus and their first daughter Clary. Their other friends were honored later, through their daughters, Isabelle and Alexandra, as well as their son Jonathan. Their children grew up with stories about a group of shadowhunters who fought hard and loved even harder. They grew up knowing they had been named after the people their fathers adored even in death.

Their little family of warlocks and vampires would never replace the ones they had already lost, but it didn’t mean they loved them any less.

Simon and Raphael had centuries ahead of them; room for dozens of children to care for and hundreds of memories to soothe the pain of the past. Simon only hoped their family was looking down at them from heaven, proud of what they had accomplished.

**Author's Note:**

> Heya guys! Thank you so much for reading, hopefully you made it through this without sobbing like my beta [thatnerdemilyj](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatnerdemilyj) and I did. I always see so much Malec immortality angst but thought it would be nice to see it from another point of view. I know the Saphael in this was pretty minor, but the point was mostly to show how they both react to losing the people they love, and I hope I achieved that! 
> 
> Love, Julie. 
> 
> (find me on tumblr @hopesilverheart)


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